For days I have been composing my thoughts which are many, heartfelt and difficult to order. So let me start with last week when early one morning I gathered my things for the hospital. I opened up my computer and read your comments and emails. My heart filled to overflowing. I speak collectively to those near and far when I say that each gesture over the last two weeks has strengthened my resolve, given me courage and made me feel loved like never before. For each one of you that has contacted me I am grateful. Sharing your stories and hearing your words of encouragement has been meaningful. As the lights were blurring in the operating room my mind spilled over with your thoughts and prayers. I felt safe and protected as I put my life in the hands of others.
As my hospital room filled with flowers and my mailbox filled with cards I felt a growing sense of awareness that although we may all have our busy lives in separate spaces we care about each other and are thusly connected. I have not for one moment felt alone which in itself defines the word love. I thank you all for contributing to my strength. I have been checking my mirror hoping to see that what I have felt is there for all of you as well. That each one of you can look into the events of your lives knowing that you/we are not alone and that it matters greatly.
I am home now. John spent Friday scrubbing down the house so that every corner would be safe for me. He has been managing the phone calls and protecting my rest time like a guard dog. My eyes widen at how perfectly he has handled me through all of this as his hands rest on my back moving me forward.
So, think pretty thoughts and be happy! We can't choose all the things we have to do in life. Most of the things I have done have been pretty darn fun. A bit of sidestepping through confronting and fearful activities has made me feel very aware. I keep wondering if breast cancer will define me. I decided in the dark one night that NO, it wouldn't but as I progress through my thoughts this morning I think that maybe it already has.
Not in a bad way but rather a good way. I feel as though I have sunk into my feet and found a place to stand. I wouldn't recommend this process for self discovery but I am grateful...thank you more please!
Because this is a quilter's blog and just in case you were wondering, I prepared hexagons to take with me. I didn't mean it as a marketing exercise but it caused quite a stir in the hospital as my papers turned to stars! I gave lots of nurses lessons and handed out lots of cards...no moss on this rolling stone!
As my sister in law used to say when her kids were little, "What's the lesson?" This experience has many but the most important for all you women out there is check your breasts regularly. Like a reformed smoker I might be a bit annoying about this but I mean well. Don't be scared! Silver linings are beautiful! love always...k